July 20

 Another deck pull today. Was needing encouragement, a hand pat, I guess.

The Lovers: A choice to be made. I must decide on what would make me happiest. In this case, would staying make me happy? No, it wouldn't.

Queen of Swords: Truth seeking, highly perceptive, no mincing of words. Independent, with clear boundaries. Honest, and people come to me for advice. This card is to represent me. Actually, it does a good job of it, especially the upfront part.

The Fool, reversed: The fool is someone blasting off into the unknown without a care in the world. Because its reversed, I am doing the opposite. Stagnating, Fear of the unknown, Holding back. Lack of maturity. Well I am immature in many ways, and I am holding back. What if I don't get the job in the location I want? What if I can't get an apt in the location I want? What if commuting eats my financial resources and I can't afford to do anything? 

The cards are reminding me that my fear of the unknown is what has been holding me back all these years. If I choose MY happiness, the universe has my back. There are loads of apts available around Edmonton, and I don't know if I will like my chosen location. So why not let go of my rigid control and fears, and let whatever happen, happen. One apt is the same as another, all locations have an upside and downside. The work is the same no matter the location. 

July 19

 I did a tarot reading today, in regards to my job transfer search. I got these cards: Nine of Wands (reversed), Temperance, and The World (reversed).

I had to do some research because there had to be something I'm not understanding. Glad I did. 

Nine of Wands, reversed: Worn out from challenges, but more challenges coming. Keep at it! Reversed suggests I am struggling towards my goal ( I am), and feel overwhelmed (also true). Also that I don't feel supported at work, or home (I'm not). That I need to push through this, because its temporary. I know this, but its nice to get that sympathetic pat on the shoulder. Thank you yarn kitty.

Temperance: This one I just looked in the little book, and it makes sense. If I need all my financial resources to make the move work, then exercise caution around spending money. The kitty doesn't drink all the water from the fishbowl, it only laps a little. I've been naughty about my spending, when I clamped down for a week I rebelled and bought goodies. 

The World, reversed: Incomplete, lack of closure. Ok, what am I lacking closure on? Well Terry would fit here. I've told him I'm moving, and he we both want to stay in contact. I haven't ended things with him. pause, heavy sigh. I don't want to end things with him, even though it Needs To Happen. I need to pull up my breeks and end it. We both string each other along. How can I move on, with a new relationship, when I have unfinished business with another man.

Jul 18

 Today I got the ball rolling and applied for available jobs to transfer too. Two of which are what I do now, which I thought I wanted to get away from? But I am looking for locations close to where I want to live, and that was what was available for full time. I also applied for overnights, but it says part-time, so that probably won't work. I wonder how long it takes to hear anything. I hope I get a transfer and I didn't pop my mouth off and look like an idiot. 

Jul 17

Had a good weekend. There was live music downtown, so I went on saturday to check that out. Ended up getting there when a magician was up so the hour I was there was his show. It wasn't bad, definetly geared to younger kids, but some of the jokes were funny. Thought about going back in the evening to see the music, but finished knitting mittens instead.

Today I went to the lake for a paddle, was there 2 hours. Beautiful day, very hot but there was a breeze. The breeze pushed me across the lake like a human sail. Was nice on the way over, but getting back was a bit of a challenge. 

As for the move, I really like a place downtown. However there's no parking, so as much as its a really nice place ( and cheap) I may have to pass on it. Oh well, can't do anything for 3 more weeks which will bring 2 big paychecks. That will bring me to the 8 weeks away mark. The tarot reading I did today told me to get my butt in gear. I'm trying! 

 

july 13

 Wow I haven't posted in 9 days. A lot has changed. My last post stated if things didn't work out with Terry, I would move. I am moving. Not because things didn't work out, but because I realised leaving and experiencing life is something I'm very much wanting to do. So Ive announced at work and with the kids that I'm moving to Edmonton the end of September. Thats 10 wks away. 

I told my ex-husband and his mom today, and she immediately turned to Seamus and said "your mom will never see you again." It upset me that she would say that. Once I let my anger pass, I remembered that's how she is, a bitch, and she does that stuff just to get a reaction. And why does that comment bother me? Because fearing my kids would feel abandoned is what has held me back these past 4 yrs. The reality is they have their own lives and I hardly see the 2 oldest because they'd rather do their own thing than hang out with boring mom. Completely normal behaviour for a teen, and healthy too. They will be fine.

So, I've looked online at apartment rentals, pricing, and distance from stores I could transfer to. Looked at jobs available at those stores. Fixed my overdrive account so I can listen to audiobooks again. Got general pricing for a uhaul and changed my original plan to load up, drive 5hrs, drop off, then drive 5 hrs back to get the car and drive another 5 hrs to New Home. The new improved plan is to load up, drive 5 hrs, unload, and return the uhual. Also inquired about switching branches with the bank, and if it'll affect car payments. I feel like the big, scary move isn't as scary. 

july 4

 Gas has gone up again, so I'm limiting how often I go to the lake. It burns enough fuel each time that that is a necessary action, even though lake time makes me happy and improves my mental health. My financial health is important too. 

If things don't work out with Terry, I'm planning on moving to the city to start over. Its the only way I can see to quit him. If I keep living beside him I'll keep on the path we've set where we are occasional fwb. I'll never move on.

Things are going well with him, its too new to say whether we are in a relationship or not. Idk what to call it. He enjoys my company still.

Things are ramping up at work with Inventory 30 days away. In about 2 weeks the stress will really kick in. This isn't my first inventory, so I know what to do. My position is easy.

July 3

Hello, happy belated Canada Day. Stayed up to midnight with Terry, but didn't catch the fireworks. There was a thunder and lightening show, I figured the fireworks would be cancelled. I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, so I went home. Went paddle boarding thursday after work, tried a different lake. There was waves and swells, so standing up was difficult. I did stand up twice, but for short periods of time. Fought the waves going out, then used those waves to help me get back. About a 2hr paddle. My arms and upper back were sore that night and the next day. Slept great though!

Started a sweater, Revival, in bright pink and white. Very soft as the white is merino/silk, and the pink is merino.

And here's the lake, shows the swells in a gentler part of the lake