July 20

 Another deck pull today. Was needing encouragement, a hand pat, I guess.

The Lovers: A choice to be made. I must decide on what would make me happiest. In this case, would staying make me happy? No, it wouldn't.

Queen of Swords: Truth seeking, highly perceptive, no mincing of words. Independent, with clear boundaries. Honest, and people come to me for advice. This card is to represent me. Actually, it does a good job of it, especially the upfront part.

The Fool, reversed: The fool is someone blasting off into the unknown without a care in the world. Because its reversed, I am doing the opposite. Stagnating, Fear of the unknown, Holding back. Lack of maturity. Well I am immature in many ways, and I am holding back. What if I don't get the job in the location I want? What if I can't get an apt in the location I want? What if commuting eats my financial resources and I can't afford to do anything? 

The cards are reminding me that my fear of the unknown is what has been holding me back all these years. If I choose MY happiness, the universe has my back. There are loads of apts available around Edmonton, and I don't know if I will like my chosen location. So why not let go of my rigid control and fears, and let whatever happen, happen. One apt is the same as another, all locations have an upside and downside. The work is the same no matter the location. 

July 19

 I did a tarot reading today, in regards to my job transfer search. I got these cards: Nine of Wands (reversed), Temperance, and The World (reversed).

I had to do some research because there had to be something I'm not understanding. Glad I did. 

Nine of Wands, reversed: Worn out from challenges, but more challenges coming. Keep at it! Reversed suggests I am struggling towards my goal ( I am), and feel overwhelmed (also true). Also that I don't feel supported at work, or home (I'm not). That I need to push through this, because its temporary. I know this, but its nice to get that sympathetic pat on the shoulder. Thank you yarn kitty.

Temperance: This one I just looked in the little book, and it makes sense. If I need all my financial resources to make the move work, then exercise caution around spending money. The kitty doesn't drink all the water from the fishbowl, it only laps a little. I've been naughty about my spending, when I clamped down for a week I rebelled and bought goodies. 

The World, reversed: Incomplete, lack of closure. Ok, what am I lacking closure on? Well Terry would fit here. I've told him I'm moving, and he we both want to stay in contact. I haven't ended things with him. pause, heavy sigh. I don't want to end things with him, even though it Needs To Happen. I need to pull up my breeks and end it. We both string each other along. How can I move on, with a new relationship, when I have unfinished business with another man.

Jul 18

 Today I got the ball rolling and applied for available jobs to transfer too. Two of which are what I do now, which I thought I wanted to get away from? But I am looking for locations close to where I want to live, and that was what was available for full time. I also applied for overnights, but it says part-time, so that probably won't work. I wonder how long it takes to hear anything. I hope I get a transfer and I didn't pop my mouth off and look like an idiot. 

Jul 17

Had a good weekend. There was live music downtown, so I went on saturday to check that out. Ended up getting there when a magician was up so the hour I was there was his show. It wasn't bad, definetly geared to younger kids, but some of the jokes were funny. Thought about going back in the evening to see the music, but finished knitting mittens instead.

Today I went to the lake for a paddle, was there 2 hours. Beautiful day, very hot but there was a breeze. The breeze pushed me across the lake like a human sail. Was nice on the way over, but getting back was a bit of a challenge. 

As for the move, I really like a place downtown. However there's no parking, so as much as its a really nice place ( and cheap) I may have to pass on it. Oh well, can't do anything for 3 more weeks which will bring 2 big paychecks. That will bring me to the 8 weeks away mark. The tarot reading I did today told me to get my butt in gear. I'm trying! 

 

july 13

 Wow I haven't posted in 9 days. A lot has changed. My last post stated if things didn't work out with Terry, I would move. I am moving. Not because things didn't work out, but because I realised leaving and experiencing life is something I'm very much wanting to do. So Ive announced at work and with the kids that I'm moving to Edmonton the end of September. Thats 10 wks away. 

I told my ex-husband and his mom today, and she immediately turned to Seamus and said "your mom will never see you again." It upset me that she would say that. Once I let my anger pass, I remembered that's how she is, a bitch, and she does that stuff just to get a reaction. And why does that comment bother me? Because fearing my kids would feel abandoned is what has held me back these past 4 yrs. The reality is they have their own lives and I hardly see the 2 oldest because they'd rather do their own thing than hang out with boring mom. Completely normal behaviour for a teen, and healthy too. They will be fine.

So, I've looked online at apartment rentals, pricing, and distance from stores I could transfer to. Looked at jobs available at those stores. Fixed my overdrive account so I can listen to audiobooks again. Got general pricing for a uhaul and changed my original plan to load up, drive 5hrs, drop off, then drive 5 hrs back to get the car and drive another 5 hrs to New Home. The new improved plan is to load up, drive 5 hrs, unload, and return the uhual. Also inquired about switching branches with the bank, and if it'll affect car payments. I feel like the big, scary move isn't as scary. 

july 4

 Gas has gone up again, so I'm limiting how often I go to the lake. It burns enough fuel each time that that is a necessary action, even though lake time makes me happy and improves my mental health. My financial health is important too. 

If things don't work out with Terry, I'm planning on moving to the city to start over. Its the only way I can see to quit him. If I keep living beside him I'll keep on the path we've set where we are occasional fwb. I'll never move on.

Things are going well with him, its too new to say whether we are in a relationship or not. Idk what to call it. He enjoys my company still.

Things are ramping up at work with Inventory 30 days away. In about 2 weeks the stress will really kick in. This isn't my first inventory, so I know what to do. My position is easy.

July 3

Hello, happy belated Canada Day. Stayed up to midnight with Terry, but didn't catch the fireworks. There was a thunder and lightening show, I figured the fireworks would be cancelled. I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, so I went home. Went paddle boarding thursday after work, tried a different lake. There was waves and swells, so standing up was difficult. I did stand up twice, but for short periods of time. Fought the waves going out, then used those waves to help me get back. About a 2hr paddle. My arms and upper back were sore that night and the next day. Slept great though!

Started a sweater, Revival, in bright pink and white. Very soft as the white is merino/silk, and the pink is merino.

And here's the lake, shows the swells in a gentler part of the lake

 

Jun 29

 Not much to talk about today, solved a problem at work, and accomplished a knitting feat. Didn't see Terry today, he had a migraine. And I needed a break. So I deep conditioned my hair, watched another episode of Umbrella Academy. One more day of work, then 3 day weekend for Canada Day. Maybe Terry will want to see the fireworks. Ive been to tired to go for many years now. The perils of morning shifts.

Jun 28

 what a lovely day! My new paddle board came in, so I immediately went to Figure 8 Lake to paddle around, as one does. Everything worked great; got the PB to the right psi (its inflatable because I don't have room), and was able to stand up on it. Twice! And the second time was easier. Got to hear the loon pair calling each other, and see trout swimming. I love how well it tracks, and its easy to maneuver and turn. 

When I got back, Terry was out on his deck so we chatted. He seemed happy to see me. He wanted to hang out with me and wanted me over for supper but he didn't have food. I offered to cook burgers, but he didn't want any so we ordered from my fave asian restaurant. He had pad thai for the first time. He said it was too spicy and sweet, but he gobbled it all down. I went with bimibap. I don't know how to spell it, and I'm not fixing it. Terry was commenting about him trying all these new things, he seemed happy about it.

june 27

 I've missed posting on the weekend. My bad, but in my defence it was a busy weekend. A lot has happened. Terry's daughter left on Saturday morning. I stood on my deck on Friday evening to catch him and talk to him. Invited him to a picnic. He stared up at me like I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. 

Saturday I caught him and we went to Murphy's Flats for a picnic. Its down on the river, there's a back water swimming hole and even a neat little mini river with a current to float on. We went skinny dipping. It was his first time, my second. He was commenting all weekend how he couldn't believe he did that, and how comfortable we were around each other. It was really nice.

On the way back, we drove over to (next town) to stop at the sex store there. It was his first time in one of those as well, my second. It was something we had talked about doing previously. We were very comfortable with each other there as well. I got my first vibrator, he picked out a dong. I love that vibrator, best orgasms of my life.

Then we went to the pot store, first time for me. I've been wanting to try pot or edibles for awhile. So we got a bag there. He didn't find what he wanted, so we went into 2 more pot stores. I got gummies at each one. Oh my, I'm so naughty. So Saturday I smoked pot for the first time ever. Doesn't have much of an effect on me. But the gummies, holy crap, my arms were wiggly noodles. Still couldn't sleep at his place, so somehow I got home stoned of my gourd. 

Sunday we just hung out for 3 hours, had a nap as we were both tired. Its nice sleeping beside him, he seemed to enjoy it too. He called my beautiful, I told him I loved him and he said it back. 

Had a pounding headache Sunday night, and threw up. Had a great sleep after though, but woke up feeling really funny, like I had too much heat over the weekend. Lightheaded, dizzy, weak. I went home after 2 hours. Been napping off and on all day. Had a hot bath because my muscles are sore from running and sex, fell asleep in the tub.

By the way, I started jogging again! Saturday and Sunday I did intermittant running with walking on the track down the street. It felt really good!  My legs are sore today, so its rest day. 

Hmm, I'm knitting socks, restarted the top down ones, doing toe up this time. I'm going to put in some stranded knitting around the mid foot, maybe vertical stripes in a popping colour. And I restarted the failed cardi that turned out huge. The pic doesn't look like much lol other than yarn barf.

And google photos has graced with a lovely memory! That time I took the boys to the ball diamonds, BigBoy climbed the cliffs and found a flowering cacti! Look at this beauty!

june 24

 Today was a good day. Had a lot of laughs, felt good to laugh instead of the scream crying I was doing on tuesday and wednesday. A young man at work asked about prairie oyster (bull testicles) and was teased all day about it. He has a good sense of humour. I think his nickname is Oyster now. Used to be Chicken Wing, because that was all he ate.

Didn't see youngest today. yesterday was the last day of school, I'll hang out with him on monday. We went for dairy queen yesterday, he got his usual, oreo blizzard, and I got my usual, orange smoothie. Both creatures of habit. 

My tendonitis has been quite bad this week, starting with the hours of cleaning sunday, then repetitive movements doing the seed potatoes at work tuesday. Thursday was moving a patio set (blessedly light weight for a patio set) and two very heavy tvs. Oh and crocheting a lot seems to set it off, I've been crocheting a fair bit on the afghan and stress crocheting over Terry. So tightly crocheting with my muscles clenched.

I was knitting socks yesterday and today, mostly today because my arms didn't hurt as much. Its nice out today so I sat on the deck with music going and knit the socks. Grey Regia, nothing fancy. I think I'll dig through the scraps box to put in some stripes. That will add to my double knitting repoitoire. How the heck do you spell that.

I think I might check out Murphy's Flats tomorrow. Its driving me nuts not being able to see Terry. I need to get out and do something to distract. I'm not as crazy as I was the last few days, the worst seems to be over. I'm excited for Danielle, she has a date tonight. She was pretty nervous and excited earlier. I hope it goes well for her, she deserves someone nice. 

I bought a folding table to be used as a desk for my paint by numbers hummingbird and flower, and I haven't painted at all. Ive been journaling instead. I should paint every day, and do the journalling as well. Its good for my soul to do these things. Why I keep knitting socks too, I enjoy it. I don't need more socks, but I'll keep making them.

 Hmm, what to talk about today. The brain gremlins were really bad last night. I was crying really hard, and thought about self harm and suicide. It scared me pretty good. All the crying seems to have released the worst of the negative emotions and self hate. Today I felt empty and mellow, but not negative.

It was Mamisa's last day at work today. Very few people knew about it, myself not included. We had a small cake, but she had called in as she isn't good at goodbyes. I understand and respect that. I can't do goodbyes either. Darlene's last day was on tuesday, we also had 2 big cakes for her. The poor soul tried to do a short speech in front of all the workers without crying. Yikes, when its my time to go, I'll follow Mamisa's example and call in on the last day.

I still haven't heard from Terry, today I feel meh about it. He's busy. Or he used me to get what he wants. Who knows, it could go either way. Only time will tell. I'm still hopeful, but there's a strong taste of bitterness to it.

I have an afghan going, a corner-to-corner. Purple self-striping to get it started, and now I've switched to black to get the purple to last longer. Might do grey and white too.

Also started a pair of socks in grey Regia, double knitting style. Not sure how I'll do the heel. The hybrid mini flap and short row heel fits really weird so I doubt I'll do that again.

Last sunday Terry asked me to help him clean his apartment for his daughter's arrival. Instead of actually helping, he went and got groceries. I cleaned for 2 hours (ish?) Idk, I wasn't keeping track. Maybe it was 3. He paid me $100, which is nice, but I'd prefer to clean together. Maybe he wanted to get out of my hair. I wasn't impressed when he said he'd be right back and then an hour later he's back with grocery bags from 3 stores. He packed up his laundry to take to the laundromat, as the ones downstairs were full. He was sad that I wouldn't come with him. I needed to eat really bad, I was upset that he didn't help with cleaning, and my arms were jelly at that point. He wanted to go for lunch together and spend more time together, but his daughter would have been arriving right away and he needed to focus on getting his laundry done. 

Really I'm being to harsh on the guy. He got back from polytech Saturday, spent time with me on saturday, which left sunday to get ready for her. He was gone all week for polytech for the last 3 months, with weekends dedicated to studying and sleeping. When was he supposed to have time to prep for her exactly. 

Anyways, my arms have been sore from the cleaning, and this week has been a lot of heavy lifting and repetitive motions for hours so my tendonitis is flared up in my left arm. The same one I sprained 2 years ago and hasn't been the same since. Had a soak and muscle rub today, I'll put more muscle rub on before bed. That should help with the worst of it. 

Also there was a wee deer fawn in the flower bed outside the front door of the building this afternoon. I wouldn't have noticed if Youngest hadn't seen it and pointed it out. I took a pic. 

June 22, 2022

ok ok it's driving me nuts that all I've heard from Terry since sunday was a single text response to my "I love you too" (you to Boo), and a quick phone call yesterday evening to invite me to float down the river with him and his daughter. (couldn't go because work and then hanging out with the youngest). 

My brain gremlins are telling me that I read things wrong, he didn't say he loves me at all. I misinterpreted the conversation. That I've put him in an awkward position. That I love him, but he doesn't feel that way towards me. That he said whatever to get me into bed. 

I wish my brain gremlins would just shut up.

His daughter is up visiting for the week, he hardly ever sees her (once a year maybe?). By not chatting with me, he is showing that he is dedicating his time to her. That's a good thing! Figuring things out between us isn't something to be done with someone else around anyways, that is very much a private conversation. Anything we need to say isn't life or death and can wait until the weekend. If the situation was reversed, where I got to see my kids once a year, I would expect any suitor to be respectful and stay out of my precious time with them.

To change the subject, I predicted my mom would ghost me for a month, as response to learning of Oldest's abortion earlier in the month. It appears I am wrong, as she has now texted me twice. However both texts were about her (what she did on her bday, and then thanks for the bday card). No asking about how am I, how is Oldest doing after her medical appt, or even something bland like hows my knitting. I still have a sour taste in my mouth about her, I still feel like she doesn't care. 

Insecurity and Love

 I've been living in the apartment since Aug 1, 2021. So 11 months now? I'm not sure the exact date was that Terry and I started hanging out, I think it was Sept, mid month maybe. Now that I know his birthday is Sept 13, it would be amusing if I reached out on his birthday.

It all started with bread.

I wanted to make friends in the building, I was feeling lonely. There was a guy in each apartment around me, I had a general idea who was in what apartment. But I had to reach out first and hope for a connection. Oh by the way, I'm incredibly shy.

I enjoy baking bread, so I baked several loaves, and attempted to make a connection by knocking on a neighbour's door. Except my knocking is very quiet and no one answered, so I chickened out and simply hung the bread on the door knob, with a note saying who it's from. And waited. And waited. 

The next morning, when I left for work, there was a bag of pistachios hanging from my door knob with a note thanking me for the bread, and would I like to come over for coffee or dinner, with an included name and phone number. 

We had coffee and dinner that night, and hit it off immediately. However, I was fresh from an ended relationship and had no business dating. And he was depressed and self sabotaging. We dated for maybe six weeks and it was a failure. We still liked each other, but it wasn't working.

A few months later we met again for coffee, and set aside our differences. No hard feelings, we can just be friends. It was great, and lasted for a number of months. I really enjoyed his company. And his hugs are the best. But I wanted a romantic relationship, so I started up on dating sites and chatting with men. I had a few dates. Terry became my confidante, someone to talk to about my personal life. What I didn't realise was that while I was developing a love for him, he was also developing a love for me. And hearing about me dating made him realise that I was ready for a romantic relationship. And he was ready to have that with me.

On Saturday, June 18, Terry invited me over for coffee to celebrate his graduation from Journeyman Electrician. He had won picnic gift basket at a golf tourney and wanted to share it with me. There was two bottles of wine, a pinot noir and a white. He really wanted to try the red, so we got into it. We both got a bit tipsy. The conversation steered towards drunk people saying "I love you", and somehow he said "I love you Alisa". I thought it was the wine talking, but smiled because it sounded nice. He said it again later during sex. The next day it came up in conversation and I asked him, jokingly, if it was the wine talking last night. He got nervous and awkward, but didn't deny it.  I guess I should have said it back then, but I didn't process the awkwardness as a "yes I meant it" until later that night. So I texted "I love you too" the next day. 

ack I'm so socially awkward. I do love him, I've known I've loved him for a couple months now. I hope it works this time. I'm ready for a relationship, and he's in a much better headspace. His daughter is up visiting for the week, so I won't get to see much of him this week I'm assuming. Terrible timing in light of the wine confessions lol. 

As for the insecurity, I'm trying to convince myself that he said it first and didn't take it back so he means it. Only time will tell. I'm trying not to overthink and turn myself into a stressed out mess. I'm scared it won't work again. I'm scared he will break my heart.